My last Day with Pedro* and leaving Brasilia
When I woke up this morning I was somehow in a bad mood. First of all I’m not a morning person and secondly there were many things going on in my mind…
It’s day seven of me taking the contraceptive pills Pedro wanted me to take and according to what I read in the internet, today would be the earliest possible point in time you can have sex without a condom but you cannot be sure when you haven’t start taking them at the beginning of the cycle but in the middle of it as it was the case with me. So I was simply anxious of getting pregnant from a guy I know for a bit more than one week.
Furthermore, I had the feeling Pedro not being happy with the speed everything is progressing between the both of us. He probably wanted to marry me straight away and make me pregnant to be sure I stay with him. But how in the world could I do so on day ten? I really started to develop deep feelings for him but I cannot simply turn my whole life around within seconds especially when I hardly know the person I’m doing it for. I have done many crazy things in my life but this would be simply insane. I’m really wondering how Pedro, as an extremely smart guy, could do such life changing things within like nothing. Probably because he’s simply very much obsessed by the idea of getting married again and having kids to make his life complete as he said. Also the impact on his life would be much smaller than on mine because in his life plan for us I’m the one who needs to leave the home country, family, friends, a business career and social security behind. I’m really able to do all this for someone I truly love and I’m very sure about he feels the same about me. But how can I know this after such a short time with somebody?
I also had the feeling I was showing already how very much special Pedro is for me by interrupting my travel and fly back to Brasilia to spend three weeks with him. I was also committed to cancel my Africa trip in September which gives us another month or so. So out of my remaining ten months travelling I was immediately willing to miss two just for spending time with him and get to know him better. In return I was expecting he’s spending his vacation time to join me on my travels but he wasn’t willing to do so. It was mainly because I’m going to Central Asia next and he’s not fancying this place and don’t want to travel there but to a “nicer” place like the US. I also don’t fancy Brasilia that much and the only reason I’m here is because of Pedro. I’m pretty much sure he would go and work in Central Asia if this would elevate his career but it seems I’m not reason enough for him to go there. This feels quite frustrating. So out of the ten remaining months this year we could have spent at least three months or so together and if everything worked out nicely I could have moved to Brazil as of January next year. But this commitment of mine was not enough for Pedro.
Pedro seemed to be frustrated as well but mainly because I didn’t simply cancel all my travel until the end of the year and stay with him in Brasilia straight away. I guess he was also frustrated because I wasn’t careless about getting pregnant and jumping on him first thing this morning. This ended up in Pedro going alone for breakfast and coming back four!!! hours later. When he came back he said: “We need to talk. I’m breaking up with you. I see it’s not easy for you to leave your social security in Germany behind. And I don’t want to wait until next year because it would be too hard for me and I have no security that you will actually come back. Even when this means I take a woman I fancy less than you she will be here with me. Therefore, I want you to leave now.” This was it.
I didn’t respond to what he was saying because first of all this was not a talk but a statement of him which left me with little option. Secondly this made clear to me he’s probably not really into me otherwise he wouldn’t be so straight and can simply send me away. I also don’t want to be with somebody who can simply replace me with somebody else in case he’s not getting what he wants. Showing the money and putting on pressure isn’t the way to make me develop deep feelings and make commitments. It’s about being special to me, truly loving me and not just saying so and give me the feeling of being home. I only commit when I feel to do so and once I’m committed I stay with it and don’t change it the day after.
I was speechless and it took me a few minutes to recover from the shock and think through my options. Should I make Pedro clear again I have real desire for him but I’m scared too? I cannot be insane and just give him everything he’s requesting from me straight away without really knowing him and his true feelings for me. I thought this wouldn’t make much sense since he seems not to care much if it’s me or somebody else he spends the rest of his life with. I also understand his wish to have somebody here in Brasilia and not somewhere in the world. So I decided to just go. I grabbed my stuff, threw it into my backpack and five minutes later I was out of his door. While “packing” I told him what was randomly coming into my mind such as I really like him and I wish he will understand one day that true love cannot be bought with money or by putting on pressure on someone. I also told him I don’t believe he’s loving me because otherwise he cannot send me away just like this and showing no emotions while doing so. Pedro was very much reserved, didn’t respond to what I was saying and tried to help me packing which even made me even more upset because he felt so cold. He also offered me to drive me wherever I want to go in the city and pay for my remaining stay in Brasilia which was planned until March 13th because he wants to be nice to me. I responded “I don’t want your fucking money. I can take care of myself.” turned my back around and walked out of the building. He followed me until the entrance where a porter was sitting still trying to drive me somewhere with his car but I continued walking towards the street not looking back. “This is embarrassing.” were the last words I heard him saying…
There were a few things which turned out to be true. My friend Michael was right by saying “You should be prepared that South American men are quickly excited about someone but this can also turn around quickly.” I was also somewhat right in saying in an email to Pedro before I decided to go back to Brasilia: “Probably there is something you want and if you don’t get it or don’t get it as quick as you would like to, you will bring me back to the airport within hours…” And sorry Pedro, you were bullshitting when you responded “If you give me a chance I swear I will dedicate myself to you.” and “I am serious and really want you forever…” Now I know you didn’t really mean it as you said.
I also know I had already given more to Pedro as anybody else I know would have given in the same amount of time and in case Pedro overreacted and is still serious about me he knows how to get in contact with me and will come and see me independent from where I am in this world.
I left the building at 4pm and 5 min later I was at the main road of the area stopping a taxi. I had no reason to stay in Brasilia any longer but didn’t really know where to go. The first idea popping into my mind was to return to overlanding, go by overnight bus towards Rio and decide where I will be going on the move. This also solved the problem where to stay overnight since I didn’t need to find a hotel. I managed to explain to the taxi driver I want to go to the bus terminal for long distance busses and 15 min later I was there. After arrival I found out the next express bus to Rio is going in 10 min and I quickly bought a ticket and jumped on the bus. So only 30 min after leaving Pedro’s house I was leaving the city as well. This also meant me loosing again some money since I will have a no-show on my flight from Brasilia to Buenos Aires on March 13th.
The bus to Rio stopped around 11pm in Três Marias so we could have a quick buffet type of dinner. I used the time to connect to the restaurants Wi-Fi to email Anki, Ross and Mollie on the Dragoman truck that I’m considering to re-join the truck during the next days either in Bonito or Foz do Iguaçu and asked them to email me back where exactly they plan to stay in these places.
(* name changed)